How’s It Going After the Coronavirus Disrupted Your Life?

I’m in a weird state of mind right now. But aren’t we all?

It’s been 2.5 years since I last updated this blog, so I’m not sure where to begin. While 2.5 years does seem like a long time (a lot can happen within that period), it also feels like it passed too quickly.

Life Recap

Just a quick round-up of what I did in less than 3 years: I lived in Thailand for a year and a half beginning 2018, first to study in a university grad school program only to drop it right before the trimester started. I did sit the TOEFL exam, placed first, and later on withdrew my admission slot.

Of course, I paid for the examination fee and also attended the orientation. But it was hard to retract my decision. The university that must not be named was overcharging me even after assuring a partial scholarship grant – or maybe I just didn’t know any better. My primary fear was running out of money trying to pay the university from my own pocket. As much as I love adventure, living on the edge in a foreign country with no one but myself to rely on is self-destructive and not my style.

Imagine this as the “fabric of life.”

Disclaimer: Lengthy diatribe. May contain macabre elements. The foregoing picture has no direct correlation with the content below. It merely serves as a metaphor for the “fabric of life” and the strands that inadvertently fell off or were deliberately cut or discarded.

I passed by her home earlier – the place where she was robbed and brutally murdered. There were several people hovering at the small parking space near the entrance while a large flat screen TV played on. The motorcycle sped by so it was hard to see what the commotion was about. I suppose a memorial took place and snippets of her earthly sojourn were displayed.

She had been living there for five months before that tragic incident happened. Her house faces the mountain road going to Upper Busay, right at the mouth of a makeshift pathway that leads to the back portion of our subdivision. I must have passed there hundreds of times (even stopping by a few times to scan the structure when it was still under construction). And I never knew… until she died.

What I Really Mean When I Said I’ll Win

Allow Me to Explain

I know it sounds so arrogant to claim victory when the odds seem to be against you. However, when I said I’ll win, I didn’t say I’ll win a legal case and earn a hefty sum for the damage I – and many others – sustained. Neither will I make a wannabe tyrant kneel before me while begging for mercy (though the thought is pretty tempting). I’m not going to burn down a fledgling office or voodoo its owner (and his imp helper) until he vomits blood and pees squid ink. I’m referring to a different brand of victory that requires no praise or pageantry, but it’s a concept that other people have trouble grasping.

This is how you kick ass in a game of chess.

I shouldn’t have gone overboard with metaphors only the eccentric can empathize with. Oh well, you don’t have to get me if you don’t. I may explain but learning curve is a bitch.

Yes, I investigated and gave Sherlock Holmes a run for his money. I appealed to institutions and learned individuals, hoping they’d set things right or at least motivate me to keep this “cause” going. I listened to all opinions and suggestions with a grain of salt. But an eternal optimist like me can only do so much. Even my undying sense of justice knows that something’s got to give but lawsuits and all-out war won’t be the answer. They still count to some extent, but there’s a bigger, more subtle catalyst for victory out there and it appears to be working (fingers crossed or I’ll have to pay dinner).

The Thing About Humanity

I always find myself thinking: why do we continue to eke out an existence though we know full well there’s only one end for us all? Ironically, I entertain these thoughts while I try to complete a project at work.

Isn’t it weird how we submit ourselves to laws, regulations, policies, ideologies, principles, philosophies or what have you? If you try to trace history, we’re the ones who created these laws and bound ourselves to them. A social contract, as Jean Jacques-Rousseau would have called it. In other words, humanity started out without laws. Now, we can’t live in harmony and order without them.

Still, despite these laws, you see people who are keen to break away from the norm. And we, at times, try to circumvent the law in our own little ways. Has anyone ever been caught jaywalking? Has anyone tried to cheat during exams? Do you lean on the glass even when there’s a big sign telling you not to? Ironic, indeed.

For fans of Japanese animation and manga (comics), Yaoi/Boy’s Love is one of the most popular taboo words. My introduction sounds oxymoronic to say the least. Still and all, Yaoi is not as widely accepted as other animé and manga genres despite its remarkable female fanbase all over the world. To those who are completely unaware of this genre, I took some passages from Wiki to inform you about it:

… known as Boys’ Love, [Yaoi] is a popular Japanese term for female-oriented fictional media that focus on homoerotic or homoromantic male relationships, usually created by female authors.

 

From the passage above, you can already surmise that Yaoi is a sensational depiction of male to male relationships – according to a woman’s point of view. These homo love affairs may or may not reflect a parcel of truth, but homosexuality is a reality as old as the human race itself.

 

In my opinion, however, it does not matter even if the imagination of female mangakas like Yamano Ayane, Shimizu Yuki, Nitta Youka or Makoto Tateno go overboard, to the point that unusual sensual encounters appear heavenly to readers. So who cares about older yakuza leaders falling madly in love with younger men or two porn actors developing feelings for each other? Moreover, what’s the big deal about an alpha male drug snatcher who eventually gives in to the advances of his gay partner? All these extraordinary events, including typical Boy’s Love tropes, have entertained me ever since I started reading Yaoi/BL mangas. But that’s beside the point.

Protected: The Story of A Girl

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A Pity that You Pity Yourself

In his critically acclaimed book Dance Dance Dance, my all-time favorite existentialist author, Haruki Murakami-sensei, asserted that “some folks get upset seeing miserable examples of humanity.” He was never more correct – at least in so far as my context is concerned.

I happen to be one of those folks.

There are many non-selfish people out there but that doesn’t mean they cannot prioritize their dreams and necessities when the situation calls for it. One thing I cannot swallow, however, is the presence of miserable people who refuse to get out of the rut they chose for themselves.

Insecurities and All that Jazz

Tell me about someone who’s never had insecurities and I’ll show you how to travel to outer space with nothing but the clothes on your back.

I’m being sarcastic, yeah.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, one way or another, has a beef with themselves. Some people struggle to be comfortable in their own skin – this cruel world be damned. Others don’t have much luck and fall prey to feelings of bitterness and frustration. There are also those who couldn’t be bothered to entertain their flaws and navigate through society wearing a mask until an unresolved internal conflict hits them right smack on the face.

So is there a cure to all our insecurities? Can we ever get rid of them?

Suicide Notes…

In those days of yore, one suicidal person nearly screamed at me: “You have no idea what it’s like to be me!!!”

“Of course I don’t..” was my reply. “Why, do you have any idea what it’s like to be me?”

He frowned hard (no doubt on the verge of punching my face). So I went on for the kill.

“Don’t be so arrogant as to think you’re the most miserable person here on earth. No matter how much you grieve upon yourself, the world doesn’t stop for you.”

And for that, another name was added to my list of fiends.