Measure for Measure

Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall.

~ Measure for Measure 2.1.42

No copyright infringement intended. Shakespeare’s play and the recent drama in my life have simply inspired me to come up with this title. Yes, I’m going through something I can’t quite put into words.

It always bothers me because I’m not trying hard to be different. Try as I might, I just couldn’t be like everyone else. My personality, the way I am and perhaps the way I was designed by the heavens do not seem to fit into the scheme of things. And because I don’t bother to explain myself to others – yes, even to the people I hold dear – they always get the wrong measure of me.

Countless of times I’ve done nothing wrong but talk with and attempt to befriend people. Before you know it, they accuse you of being a “flirt” or imply that you’re a habitual “seducer” of husbands (through an online game public chatroom to boot). Sigh.

Can’t men and women, married or not, just talk and be good friends without any malice? I guess that’s like asking the moon to kiss the sun in this day and age, huh? Oh well. That’s the drama I’m currently stuck in. It would take a few more days for the stain to wear off so allow me to ease the burden in my heart by ranting out my feelings.

The situation was so simple, actually. When it first happened it didn’t feel that bad. Now, as I’m writing this, it’s like a huge wave has just washed over me, making me want to bawl and cry a barrel of tears. I don’t want to sound like a kid throwing a tantrum but – to quote Atticus Finch, the honorable lawyer from the beloved classic To Kill a Mockingbird – you can’t “really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” No one has the right to judge anyone when you don’t even know their story.

To be accused of playing around with another woman’s husband without sufficient evidence… it’s enough to blow my dignity away. I wonder if others are starting to think I’m such a low-flying, desperate woman who’d entertain the advances of a married guy. Wow. Did I study for 20 years just to end up a slut? No thank you!

I understand where the wife is coming from or why she’s flaunting her jealousy for everyone to see. But couldn’t she vent out her emotions privately with her husband instead of making indirect accusations at a woman she hardly knows in a public chatroom for all our friends’ perusal? Also, although I sometimes think the husband is a bit of a “flirt,” if you get to know him, he treats just about every member in that manner – man or woman. It just appears like there’s something between us because I happen to be biologically female and him a male. Had it been otherwise, his wife would have chosen to ignore us.

So did I try to clear the air? Yeah, I did at the cost of my good will – and the truth. Even though it wasn’t really my intention, I told everyone I was a lesbian and had no interest in men since birth. Whether they believe me or not, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t stay long enough to read how people responded. It’s way too awkward to start a conversation with the other members and be as jovial and carefree as I used to be with them.

Again, I have no business explaining myself to anyone. If they don’t get me, then so be it. If they have the wrong measure of me, then carry on. Eventually they’d realize that they’re just letting their emotions get the better of them. As long as I – and the people I love – know that I’m living an honorable and dignified life, then nothing else matters.

Having had no real relations with men from the moment I was born, I sure as heck am not a slut. Someone who believes in “forever” like an uber altruistic and idealistic freak would not downgrade her ego by  flirting with a married man.

There I said it! Can’t wait to recover from this farce!

May the following articles be a blessing to wives with unfaithful husbands as well as serve as a warning to husbands on the verge of an affair: